The powerful secret to a loving relationship

There are many factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It also helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier if both are neat or both are messy, if both are on time people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also quite important. It’s great if they have common values around money and spending. Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the relationship work. This essential ingredient is about intention. At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others. The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create havoc within a relationship. Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see what happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other, and they haven’t made love in a month. The problem started when Samantha stated that she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry, Jason gave in, and they have been distant ever since. Samantha’s intention was to have control over getting what she wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love – if Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her. She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what she wants. She wants control over feeling special to Jason. Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see him as a good and loving husband. However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather than be loving to themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance. What would this have looked like if their intention had been to learn? If Samantha’s intent had been to learn, she would not have become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand Jason’s objections. If Jason’s intention had been to learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would have wanted to understand why this particular vacation was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have been caring about themselves and each other, rather than wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration about why they each felt the way they did, they would have learned what they needed to learn - about themselves and each other - to reach a win-win resolution. Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing, they would have come up with something both of them could live with. With some exploration of his financial fears, Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted would be fine. With understand of Jason’s financial concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine about the outcome. No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their intent is to control rather than learn. It’s amazing how quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the intent to control. It’s equally amazing how fast it comes back when both partners have the intent to learn.

Why is it important for women to initiate romance

Oftentimes we, as women, leave our needs unexpressed and wait for our husbands to just guess what to do. Many men honestly don’t know how to be romantic. And, when they do get up the courage to attempt romance, their efforts may not be expressed in a way that we appreciate or even recognize as romance. Look how silly this sounds. If your son was attempting algebra and didn’t understand it, you wouldn’t cry because he didn’t love you. As a mom, we’d sit down, and go over it again and again, for as long as it took until he understood. Yet, we expect our husbands to know something that they’ve never been taught. Instead of leaving your man to struggle, show him how to romance you. How will he know what to do if you don’t show him? So, how can you teach him how to romance you? 1. Be romantic yourself. If you show him that you value him and love him on a regular basis, instead of expecting him to be the romantic one, he’ll be more receptive to trying it himself. The old saying “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” definitely applies. Yelling and crying because he isn’t romantic isn’t exactly going to put him in the lovey mood. 2. Tell him what you like. Do you enjoy expensive gifts or would you rather have him make something for you? Would you like him to go on walks with you? Give you cut flowers or live plants? Make a list of every birthday, anniversary and holiday and include ideas for things he can buy or do for you. Set him up to succeed. 3. Learn what he likes. The same thing stands for him. Know what makes him happy. Please don’t buy him an expensive gift if he’s the frugal type. He won’t like it. Don’t take him to a fancy French restaurant if he’s a Burger kind of guy. It’s ok to take him there for your birthday, but don’t take him there for his birthday. If he loves sports, then go to them with him. Please initiate romance. So often, women just get more and more resentful that they aren’t feeling romanced and their man has no clue what to do to fix it. There really should be a required romance course before you can get your marriage license. At least that way, men would, at some point in time, learn how to be romantic. Until then, it’s our job to show him just what we want and need to feel special. Now go Romance Your Man!

Fear of commitment in relationships

Fear of commitment scientifically, is a type of phobia. It is commonly called as the commitment phobia which refers to a person who is afraid of being committed to any deep relationships, tasks, projects and responsibilities. Have you ever know someone who has the fear of commitment? I have several friends who have the symptoms of this kind of phobia. Most of them are men. They cannot decide on simple things. They find it hard to choose on what to eat during a dine-out in a restaurant, they can’t choose between two good movies, even on what to wear. And worst no one of them has ever been to serious relationships, considering the fact that they are already in their 30’s and is an ideal marrying age for men. Let me tell you about my friend named Patrick. He is one of my closest friends and he is a bachelor who makes good money. Girls are coming in and out of his life like the wind. And nobody seems to last even the ones that I think would last. I suspected that he has fear of commitment. But he won’t accept it, which in fact is another characteristic of a person who has a fear of commitment. We had a conversation about it once. Here it goes: Me: “Have you ever been to a serious relationship before? Patrick: “Nope.” Re replied. Me: “Why?” Patrick: “It’s because I’m not ready yet.” Me: “What are the things that made you not ready? I asked again. He simply shrugged his shoulders and paused. Patrick: “It is simply because I’m afraid to commit to a woman, and I don’t want to get married at this time. I’m afraid that I may not handle the responsibilities of a father and a husband at the same time.” Me: “Then you are one of those who are afraid of commitments or the fear of commitment.” Patrick: “Am I? I don’t think so…” Fear of commitment makes it hard for you to decide on whatever you need to decide on especially if the future is at stake. Therefore, having a fear of commitment is not healthy at all. Fear of commitment can really hold you back because it is only be entrusting to a procedure that life has to offer and we are able to make the most of opportunities that come our way. Fear of commitment can be triggered by various causes. Fear of commitment may start from childhood from which a person suffered from traumatic experience, such as separation of parents, divorce, and death. Fear of commitment can also be a result of poor role models in which the person may have witnessed offensive relationships. And worst the person may have been a victim of it. These experiences have a great impact on the person’s decision making and therefore the cause of development of their fear of commitment. Fear of Commitment though can be defeated by different methods. The most common method used in overcoming fear of Commitment is the hypnosis or hypnotherapy. So if you have friends who are suffering from a commitment phobia or fear of commitment, help them defeat it.

Being dumped just plain sucks

Hurricanes really suck. Even if they do not reach you, they still threaten your safety net. Florida survived last years attack of Mother Nature, so we are a little more courageous this year. Not much, but a little. I would love to meet the person that pissed her off (Mother Nature). Not only does she get even, but she does it with a vengeance. That's like PMS & Menopause all rapped up. So, for all you poor souls that are in for that ride(PMS & Manopause), and have no clue what it is all about, think hurricane. It can turn in a second and destroy you. Oh, and it has many names also, like bitch, nag, crazy, nuts, annoying, female, insane, messed up, pms'ing, hallucinating, on drugs, stupid bitch, mentally challenged, and that's just a few, except they are not in an alphabetical order like the hurricanes. OK so we are disorganized. BITE ME! You seriously have to be PMS`ing to be able to understand (winks). I can only hope that everyone gets as many laughs as I have so far typing this. OK, now onto more serious matters in life. Today I received a question from a guy. Here is what he said: "Posted by Anonymous The last woman I was involved with was quite full of herself. So then why did she dump me?" And my answer to him was this... "Posted by Dorothy Hey there, sorry to hear about your being dumped. Not knowing either of you, it is really hard to answer that question. There are many reasons for people walking away from a relationship. It could have plain worn out. Also they could have found someone else. Either way, it sucks, and you have to deal with the pain, and learn to get on with your life. It is a challenge, but it does make you aware, of what being human is all about. There is a saying; "If it doesn`t kill you. it will only make you stronger." Also I am a firm believer in: " Things do happen for a reason." Hang in there, things will get better, if you let them. Take Care and thank you for sharing that with me." "Being Dumped" really is one of the worst experiences, short of death that we, as humans are faced with in our lives. They say that, death of a loved one is easier to learn to live with, than a break-up , "Being Dumped" or rejection. All of the above, tell us that we are unacceptable to someone. We immediatley turn it into ourselves and that's when the self-blame seed is sown. Through self-blame we begin to feel shame. Shame is so painful, that no one talks about it or even wants to think about it. Shame is the least identified emotion we as humans deal with, because we are ashamed of our shame. Shame, is yet another negative emotion, that captures and imprisons us in a pit of hell. It pulls us into a life of silence and inactivity, lying and hiding our true fears. When we are rejected in any situation, it is a true hit to our self-esteem. If we are weak in that area, then our fall is going to be very hard. If we are strong in that area, we will quickly become weak. I wrote this in a recent blog: "When we first fall in love; What is that saying, "Love is Blind"? Ha! Now that's funny, because it really is blind. We trust so instantly and genuinely that we potentially set ourselves up for the biggest fall in our lives. Why is that? Is it because we are so driven by nature to want to trust someone? Or is trusting someone just a happier, easier, way of life." So there it is, we as humans, live to love and want to be loved. We are blinded by the romance of the word ~ LOVE~. We are made happy by the word~LOVE~, but we are also hurt by the word ~LOVE~. So why do we continually set ourselves up? We are gambling, and we do not even know it. Or, is life simply just that, a gamble? The bottom line is, no one wants to get "DUMPED", because it is not in our nature to know how to accept it. How many of you have been, "DUMPED" and just knew that your life had ended? You just knew that you will never see anything the same again. Well, you were partly correct there. It is like any other change in our lives. Things will be different than we are use to. Your life has definitely not ended. Yes, your partnership has ended with a person, and maybe it was not expected, but nor are hurricanes or wars. We deal with it all, we have to. We chose to survive. Think of it as starting a new life. Newness is positive and healthy. Look at things differently, and embrace all that newness. Do not fear it. "BEING DUMPED", is just another chapter in your book of life. If you had no chapters, think how dull your book would be. Now, you can open your self to another chapter, and believe me, there are many. If you spend the rest of your life wondering all the "WHY`S", just think, you have wasted even more of your precious time on something that has chosen another road. As for the fact that a person is, full of themselves, that really has nothing to do with the "Why's" of "Being Dumped". Even the most confident people close doors on relationships. They in fact, have more courage to do so than a person of less confidence, or being less full of themselves, so to speak. Who Knows? All we know is that the decision has been made and you as a person, with intelligence, must turn the page. Getting stuck in that feeling just makes therapists rich. (wink) Life offers many, many humps and bumps. We trip and fall, over and over again. The trick is to get real good at picking yourself up and dusting off the old dirt. This is life. I told my daughter, when she was struck by her first cupids arrow, "If you are going to get emotionally involved, be prepared to get emotionally uninvolved." It's life! One very important thing we must remember; when we are at the bottom and we feel we are worthless and will never ever TRUST again, it's is a nothing more than a human emotion. We know it as doubt. We can over come doubt very easily. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself, that you are UNIQUE, and you are going to make happiness your goal. You must risk all the falls to reach that goal. Letting yourself believe that you are deserving of another relationship is truly a risk, again another gamble. But what is life without a little risk? We have the power to overcome our negative self. We just need to DO IT!! "Self doubt is not an option! Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might gain by fearing attempt." Shakespear Dorothy Lafrinere Owner/Operator Website - womensselfesteem Weblog - justblogme/Dorothy Forum - womenselfesteem. proboards29.com email - dorothy@womensselfesteem